The countdown to Christmas

Wow this has just crept up on me. I know the time has went by the same as it does for everyone but I must be in a time warp or something.
I did my best with Christmas presents for the boys. I hate not being able to do more for them. I am working on changing that. I have worked on a budget. I am going to stick with it. It is my New Years resolution. I have to. I am a sinking ship and I have to get a bigger bucket to bail with.
I am staying home this year. It is so exhausting running around on Holidays and I know family gets upset but I have my own family to spend some time with. I have 3 boys here with me, I sure miss Marcus. I know I did my job and raised him to be independent, and he is. I have a son who is married, has a step son who is like his own, and a baby on the way. Someday I hope to have a car so I can drive to see him. It is hard to only see a child once a year. But I did my job and this is part of the job, letting go. Accepting he loves me even far away. It would be nice to have my kids around for the Holidays but they are just Holidays. I would like to just have my kids come for dinner here and there but I know that is not possible. If only it were a perfect world.
I have everything done except for the stockings to put together. Not much to go in them but candy but I am fortunate that I was able to buy anything for my kids. A lot of robbing from one bill to pay another this past month but it will work out. That is where the budget comes in, next year I will not be struggling.
I feel this year is my year for all good things. I am going to get my book and DVD The Secret out again. I am going to put my entries in to win the 2012 Dream Home. Did some searching and it would not be feasible to take the home, I will have to take the cash prize instead. The Green Home would be nice also but the schools are much to be desired. I have to think about Lucas in these decisions. So I will take the money, pay off my house, let Nate live here and find me a nice place with a few manageable acres with no neighbors (if you know me, I don't like neighbors. I don't like to feel obligated to speak to someone who is in their yard or getting in their car. I don't like unexpected guest.), or find a prefab type home that is suitable for Ashton, Lucas, and I. Of course 3 kittens and 3 dogs will have to be able to fit nicely in this house also. So have asked for postage stamps. I am sure I won't even get those for Christmas, and it is ok because I don't expect gifts. Nice to get because you know someone is really thinking of you. This is my year for nice things to happen to me. I deserve it. My family deserves it. There is so much I can do with money. I know it can not buy happiness but it sure can make life easier so I can work on the happiness part. I just need easier. It is hard to be home all the time.
Well this enough for now, I have a diaper calling my name.