Awesome! He is so dang cute!  And brilliant!

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Sorry it is dark but

Sorry it is dark but look what lucas did all by himself.

Changes Taking Place

As sad as it is, Lucas's daddy and I don't seem to get along all that well. I wish we could. I do love the man but if there is no communication then things just can't work. So now life is changing. Everything, most everything, that I have come use to having for over two years is gone. Gone are the phone calls and the text. It is sad. Sad for all involved. Ashton has to adjust to all of this along with Lucas and me. But as it is, Lucas will see his dad every other Sat to Sun. Then every other Friday night until Sat. At least he won't have to go but 5 days in a row without seeing his dad. He is young and this will be his normal.
This was always a difficult relationship. I will call him LD for Lucas's Dad. LD doesn't communicate all that well. He feels that anything you say is against him. I am not saying I am the best communicator but at least I try to see other points of view and not the tunnel vision of what is said. I didn't like doing nothing or getting any type of feeling that I was appreciated for all I have done and all I do. Being a mother is a very thankless job and I know this but being someone's girlfriend should not be that way. Relationships are hard. They require work and not just work from one side. If it is truely wanted then both need to work on it.
Someday, there will be someone who wants to be with me and will do what they can to make me smile. In return that is what they will get back from me. How can one give and give and never receive?
I know we should have went to counsiling a long time ago and the petty things that have torn us apart could have been resolved. But as I know from past experience, both have to want it and not just one person.
So now all I can do is move on for me, move on for my kids. We will be fine. We will be beyond fine. This year is going to be our year. We will have good fortune because we deserve it.

Going to exercise to my walk videos. After seeing my pictures oh do I need to get into a shape other than round.

Sitting in the chair like a big boy.

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Twas Two Days Before Christmas

And all through the house. It was really quiet.
Ashton is at his dad's and it is just Lucas, Nathan, and I. Hope there is something good on television tonite. Tomorrow Lucas and I are going to my parents for a Christmas Eve breakfast. Ashton will be there also. Santa is coming to visit. Nate has to work. Too bad but he needs to work. He hasn't had a job for a while so this is doing him some good. Every dollar counts now days.
I have started my envelope system according to Dave Ramsey. I am going to stick to it this time.
Today Lucas, Nate, and I went to Shatto. Talked to Esther, Debbie, and Bobby. I do miss working there. Leroy came out to say hi and brought us some caramel ice cream. Yummy, it was good. Sampled the cheese and it was good too. If I still worked there I would probably be over 200 lbs.
Received presents today from Marcus, Summer, Logan, and Baby Wait. He did not have to do that, he needs to save his money for his family. Very thoughtful. I love my boys so much.
Need to make some cookies but I just don't feel like it. Having Christmas dinner here for me and 3 of my boys. It will be a nice relaxing time.
Ashton leaves on Monday to go to California. I would love to get away for a weekend, just a weekend. I have not been on any vacation at all for years and years.
Gotta run, a little someone is climbing up to the wood stove again.

Today was physical therapy day. Lucas cries. He did well but still cries. ashton went to daddies but comes back sat.

This turned over in front of us.

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Testing my phone

The countdown to Christmas

Wow this has just crept up on me. I know the time has went by the same as it does for everyone but I must be in a time warp or something.
I did my best with Christmas presents for the boys. I hate not being able to do more for them. I am working on changing that. I have worked on a budget. I am going to stick with it. It is my New Years resolution. I have to. I am a sinking ship and I have to get a bigger bucket to bail with.
I am staying home this year. It is so exhausting running around on Holidays and I know family gets upset but I have my own family to spend some time with. I have 3 boys here with me, I sure miss Marcus. I know I did my job and raised him to be independent, and he is. I have a son who is married, has a step son who is like his own, and a baby on the way. Someday I hope to have a car so I can drive to see him. It is hard to only see a child once a year. But I did my job and this is part of the job, letting go. Accepting he loves me even far away. It would be nice to have my kids around for the Holidays but they are just Holidays. I would like to just have my kids come for dinner here and there but I know that is not possible. If only it were a perfect world.
I have everything done except for the stockings to put together. Not much to go in them but candy but I am fortunate that I was able to buy anything for my kids. A lot of robbing from one bill to pay another this past month but it will work out. That is where the budget comes in, next year I will not be struggling.
I feel this year is my year for all good things. I am going to get my book and DVD The Secret out again. I am going to put my entries in to win the 2012 Dream Home. Did some searching and it would not be feasible to take the home, I will have to take the cash prize instead. The Green Home would be nice also but the schools are much to be desired. I have to think about Lucas in these decisions. So I will take the money, pay off my house, let Nate live here and find me a nice place with a few manageable acres with no neighbors (if you know me, I don't like neighbors. I don't like to feel obligated to speak to someone who is in their yard or getting in their car. I don't like unexpected guest.), or find a prefab type home that is suitable for Ashton, Lucas, and I. Of course 3 kittens and 3 dogs will have to be able to fit nicely in this house also. So have asked for postage stamps. I am sure I won't even get those for Christmas, and it is ok because I don't expect gifts. Nice to get because you know someone is really thinking of you. This is my year for nice things to happen to me. I deserve it. My family deserves it. There is so much I can do with money. I know it can not buy happiness but it sure can make life easier so I can work on the happiness part. I just need easier. It is hard to be home all the time.
Well this enough for now, I have a diaper calling my name.

Had a busy Saturday

Stayed at my sister's house on Friday night. Saturday morning was the big DSG Holiday Party. So Lucas, Ashton, and I stayed in the city so we would not have to get up early to drive to OPKS.

Friday night, Lucas got his first haircut. Was so cute. He got to sit in a car and he loved it. He looks so grown up now.

Saturday Aunt Chris, Amira, Ashton, Lucas, and I went to the Holiday Party. These are such special occasions. The DSG is so great to all the kids. We got there early and boy it was already packed. Stood in line for breakfast. Then we stood in line for the visit with Santa. Lucas does not like Santa. Twice now he has sat on his lap and looked up and turned around and cried. Poor little guy. Such a sad face. Ashton and Amira was not scared. They smiled and each kid received a present.

There was a drawing and I could not believe it was my number 417472. When Amy said that number first I was shocked. Out of 800+ people, it was me. WOW! Received some really nice books. Some of them I don't need and I am going to find somewhere to donate them to or give them back to the DSG to pass along.
After the party, we went to visit my mom and dad. Stayed there to visit for a while. I am not sure how to explain how mom is doing. I think she just don't care and that is the biggest part of it all. She is made to feel like she don't remember a thing and that she is helpless so she just goes with it. That has to be hard for her. There is no compassion with those around her. It is almost to the point of meaness, it is so hard for me to be there and see that. I would just assume her be put in a home where she can have more interaction with others but then again, who knows if that would be any better. I wish I had the money to have a house that she could move in with me and get the help she needed. She needs to feel like she can do things even if she messes them up. She stood by us kids when we messed up things and she didn't make us feel stupid. She deserves the same.
After leaving we had to take Aunt C back to her house and pick up my truck. Had to drive back to mom's to get a trailer of windows and doors for Nate. Drove that home and then had to drive to Jeremy's.
It turned out to be a very long Saturday.
Finished part of my homework on Friday and then I had to do the rest on Sunday. I got it done, sometimes it is so hard to concentrate when Lucas is awake. These are my two new classes. Received 100% on the last two assignments for week one. Just received 100% on my week two assignment in my HUM class. I hold my breath each week hoping I am doing what I am suppose to do. I am hard on myself but I know I can do it. This is one of the hardest things I have done in my life. Glad I am doing it but it is hard.

The days go by so quick

Lucas has a little cough. Poor baby. He usually does a fake one but today, or last night, it is a real one now. He layed on me all morning. Just laying in my lap. Poor little guy. He had PT today. He cried a lot but still did well. He is learning to stand at the couch and walk sideways while holding on. Funny how those things are just taken for granted with a typical baby. He will learn and I hear that from everyone, I think they don't know what else to say. Not that I need anyone to say anything. I know he has Down Syndrome and I know he is going to be slower at learning things. It is hard when people say it because you know and it is just a reminder from others. I don't want those reminders. He is who he is and that is what we have. This is our life. It is like having a baby longer.
Ashton gets to stay with me tomorrow night. I hardly ever have him on a Friday night. Very few weekends are spent with me also. We have the DSG Holiday Party on Sat. It will be fun. They do so much for the kids and the families. We would not know what to do without them. So Ashton, Lucas, Aunt Chris, and I are going to the party. Lucas's daddy has been having car issues so he has to work on cars this weekend. He hit a deer two weeks ago on a Friday night. Bought another car and everything seemed fine with it until Monday night when it decided to overheat. So he is staying home and I am going to stay at my sister's house on Friday night. Make the drive to the party a lot closer.
Nathan is still going to the chiro for his neck and headaches. It is a slow process but he is getting better. He is wanting to get his CDL. Might drive a truck, he isn't sure but that will give him another step into the field he wants to be in. We both think that if our friend hadn't passed away two years ago, Nathan would have already known how to drive a big rig. He would have made sure of that. I probably would have known how to do it also. I miss him.
Gotta go, more homework to work on this week. Not sure how I am going to get it done. It is so hard not to be able to just take a couple hours to work work work.

Monday, again...

Well it is Monday again. It is so hard to be at home all the time. Nothing really to look forward to. Everyday is the same as the one before. Not that I don't love being home with my kids and am so happy I get to do that but not having adult interaction is so hard. Not many understand that, they think I am so lucky. Not many people could handle being home day after day after day. It isn't like I get to go outside and anything because I have a baby in the house, that requires a lot of attention. I have no money to go and have fun. So I sit here day after day after day. I do the same stuff everyday. Wake up, get Ashton ready, check school, get Lucas up, change him, feed him, play time, nap time, laundry, dishes, vaccum, change Lucas, lunch ready, feed baby, play, check school, naptime for Lucas, school work, Ashton home, switch laundry, help Ashton with homework, fix dinner, fussy time for Lucas, eat dinner, clean up some dishes, Ashton ready for bed, Lucas ready for bed, and then do homework until about 11pm. My day starts all over at 530am. Try this day in and day out. I long for a movie or someone to make me dinner. I long for needing to go run an errand just to get away for the day. I want human contact. Little people are not human. LOL They are little people. Crying is the form of communication from Lucas. Which many times that is what I want to do also. Those around me just don't see this. I want to feel like a person. I am more than just a mom. I am a female who likes attention. Things will change soon. I am tired of doing for everyone and thinking about their needs. I want things to be about me for once. I don't care if someone don't like this food or that. I like this kind of food, I like to watch the shows I like. I will always have my little kids come first in my life but these bigger kids need to watch out.
Ok I needed to vent. I need to vent often. I need help that I don't get. Things are going to change. Maybe not for the better of everyone around me but the better for me. I need to do what is best for me. I need some sanity in my life and I need to feel like I am alive. I use to feel that way. Now I feel like a babysitter. I am handy to have around to be the cook.
Things will change.